It Happens for a Reason?

they say things happen for a reason and i’m trying to think that way but what if your not sure that reason is a good thing and maybe that thing is going to take you to hell…. okay maybe hell is a bit extreme but really the things that seem to happen or pop up these days trigger the bizarre. 

you see as i’ve been in the process of cleaning up, clearing out and moving on, i’ve come across some things that really seem to be stumping me. my old friend s showed up recently in my life. he’s the one who got married last year and is one of my oldest and dearest friends… always kept close to my heart. i think i previously discussed him, we’ve always had that odd sexual tension but never in all our years acted on it, well we’ve had a few brief make-out sessions.  anyways it had been quite awhile since i had spoken to him and here he comes, right after this fiasco with d. now i would normally consider this a good thing  but then he started pulling all sorts of nonsense. we’ll call it texting after dark for the sake of keeping this blog in the pg status. i quickly – well not so quickly, put an end to that. every-time his texts turn one way i quickly turn it back the other way. but yet i’m not sure why i don’t stop the texting all-together… i know its wrong and yet there’s this remote fun and good feeling when it happens. now his new thing is to show up at my place with booze in hand and often these evenings will lead to some sort inappropriate conversation or attempt at action from him. this is a true test of my wills and i find myself wondering why i am being tested like this, and why do i continue to allow it? i will not be a home-wrecker even if he wants to wreck his home. at one point he went in for the kiss and i felt myself start to give in, you know that move closer, tightening of the arms, accelerated breathing type of giving in and then bam, i pulled away. thank god i pulled away but wow was there a spark in that small millisecond of my life. it was a huge spark, it was so huge it was more like an explosion. our chemistry is clearly combustable… i know he felt it too because i watched his face adjust and felt his body change.   

continue forward to the conversation with my therapist, yes i’m back to seeing one and this is a different one…. might i add: she. is. fantastic.

so i tell her of these interactions and we go on to discuss this, now as long as i’m not acting on them and i clearly know right from wrong, i keep it to public places and eliminate the booze,  the situation should be fine. the reason? well i’m boosting my confidence of course. the test? keeping to those rules… am i a bad person? no. but i need to know the limits and if i cant keep to them then i need to stop. the problem is it’s he’s like a drug – one hour with him and my confidence soars, of course so do my hormones… 

In a Nutshell… No, More Like in a Large Planet with No Oxygen, But At Least I’m Lighter

dear god it’s been so long i don’t think i can just pick up where i left off, but i also can’t leave you with nothing…. hmmmmm…. sooooo much has happened.  

here’s what I’ll do.  i won’t fill you in on everything; i’ll give you the random but necessary parts so you can see why and where i am today, then we can go back to our daily, well my daily chatter.  i promise i am going to try to keep up from now on.

so until april 2009: no contact with d.  this was a vow to myself and i was sticking to it.

and then…. slam, like a fist to the gut on exactly april 1, 2009, i receive a text from m (d’s best friend) saying “w is not only d’s girlfriend but also my friend so leave her alone.”  now really i wasn’t quite sure what this meant due to the fact that i hadn’t talked to d or any of his friends in awhile, a long while, so i had no idea who w was, i couldn’t point her out in a crowd, and now that it had been so long that really…. who the @$#% cares!

now let me take a minute here to mention that i was at work during all this and had to sit through a very dull, unneeded, unnecessary and completely ridiculous work meeting.  if the day was designed for rage building, not team building – this was it.  i hit the roof!

then i leave the meeting and step outside with j, who might i mention was just as taken aback and pissed by this text as I was – i believe her words were “why won’t they leave you alone”.

i want to explain something real quick, first i’m a bad liar and second j works with me so you figure 9 hours a day with someone and you know what they are up to…. if i call him, she knows, if i don’t call him, she knows, if i text him, she knows, if i email him she knows if i…. well you get the point, she knows what i’m doing all. day. long.

now after some extreme shaking (it was like i had parkinson’s), screaming, tantrum throwing, and about 10 cigarettes, i reply to m and copy d. “why are you guys doing this to me? leave me alone! stop bothering me!” i have nothing to say to you people! (like my “you people” reference?, yeah i do too, so derogatory)

now all this info i’m giving you is very, very, very condensed…. a lot more texting happened back and forth with m, d and i.

here it gets good – she calls…. w herself has the nerve to call and apologize and let me know that the whole thing was a big misunderstanding and she just wants us all to be friends and get along, like one big happy sick and twisted group orgy.

little did she know that a few weeks before d actually broke into my house and tried to get in bed with me…. oh and then she asks if we can go out and get some drinks together . she really wants to meet me and get to know me, even if d doesn’t approve!  i wanted to shout are you stupid? why do you think he doesn’t approve?  hmmmm. maybe he has stuff to hide and maybe i don’t care about making nice with you.

do i shout that? nope.  instead i happily decline stating that i’m sure she’s very nice and under other circumstances i’m sure we’d have a very nice time.  i don’t say anything rude or obnoxious about d, (because after all I am a lady and do have some class), hang up and scream to bloody hell, the lady in me had left the building.

from that point on i have made no contact – none – and i have, in fact, the happy faces to prove it, so please go ahead and challenge it.  I dare ya.

now that doesn’t mean he hasn’t tried.  i’ve gotten numerous hang-ups at odd hours, a couple blank texts, some missed calls, oh and even some fascinating voice-mails.  how do i know these voice-mails are his you ask – well let’s just say i have a secret that i won’t reveal – but rest assured – it. is. him.

so how am i today you ask?  well i’m here, doing well, and feeling good… for the most part.  i’ve started a new chapter in my life and have removed so much of the bad, this doesn’t mean i don’t still have a lot to work on or that i don’t have rough patches. i still fight depression every day, it just means i’ve removed a 10 pound weight from my large pile of weights. but my struggle is lightened by that much more.

so on this planet i definitely am just a bit lighter….

Family Ties Or Just Knot

 

i thought i had a bad week the week before last.  but last week made it official. it was bad. so i want to make it brief but here is the scenario

 wednesday night:

 i had to work late for a meeting and got out of the meeting at about 7:30pm, from there i head to my aunt’s house for dinner, something I wasn’t planning to do but went really to see my grandparents. i don’t see them often.  anyways, i get over there and didn’t want to eat and leave so i stayed for a bit after the rest of the family had taken off. it was me and them at this point. them being my aunt and her husband.

 it was going okay, my aunt was packing up a “to go” bag for me and we were chatting about normal goings on. then wham… it came.  ikinda knew it would because you see my uncle is always negative about everyone around him… i think it’s some form of jealousy or maybe he is aware or feels in some way like he is less then everyone or inadequate, either way it branches from his own insecurities. he is really one of those “it’s always somebody else’s fault” type people.  he always bashes my work (in fact he’s become the laughing stalk and ongoing joke at my work just from his behavior alone, ha! they all know him there from his incessant annoying phone calls), my parents, the schools in my area, the people in the neighborhood i live in, etc.

 he started in on my work first… they aren’t helping…  what do i know about this person… blah, blah, blah, etc, etc… of course, trying to keep the peace, i brushed it off at first and truthfully he is not really worth my breathe, also, it’s an ongoing thing i just don’t even feed it anymore. if i give one answer he wants another and then another and pretty much no answer will suit him.

but then it took a turn.

he asked my aunt what was wrong with her mother (my grandmother), he stated that she seemed anxious. my aunt for some bizarre led it to being about my parents and not what it really was… that my grandfather can’t be out very long much more.  it’s just too hard for him. so i simply went on to say that maybe he was ready to go and that it was common for him these days. 

she says well maybe it’s because your parents didn’t want to drive them back and forth.

he then says it’s about time they started doing that and that maybe my parents made everyone anxious. sure mister bad attitude – they make everyone anxious it has nothing to do with your attitude towards everyone.

me: still silently sitting there but starting to get extremely agitated.  i was thinking to myself just hurry and help them clean and get out. so i then tried to change the subject.  i made it about me, bringing up my anxiousness, really something that happens to be none of their business and frankly these days they aren’t the best people to share information with anyways but nonetheless i gave it a shot.

 he puts it right back to my parents… talking about my mother and how she does nothing all day and has no obligations (hmmm…. Sounds lucky to me) and that she should be doing things. so on and so on. 

at this point i had had enough so i get up and say please don’t talk to me negative about my parents… i’m not going to listen to it. he continues. i say it again, and again, and again.

she interrupts us and tells me to listen and adds some random comments of her own.

now with my anger is at the complete point of boiling over and the steam is coming from my ears i say, after having to interrupt his loud condescending tantrum, that this is why i hate coming here and i’m leaving.

i walked to the door, and turned as he yelled to me “take the food we made you and leave!”.

that was it! i tossed it on the floor said to my aunt who by the way was standing right in front of me between us, she claimed to my grandmother she didn’t hear him say that… my guess if she didn’t hear it because she didn’t want to or that she now is blind and deaf to his horrid comments. from there i headed out the door, down the stairs to my car, with my aunt (who should not have taken sides) right on my tail.

t, she yells, you need to stop yelling and listen to him. you are negative all the time.

okay now if i’m negative it’s about someone’s action and it’s nothing i wouldn’t say to them and i don’t need to listen to anyone, especially him.

 now whats really sad is that he is always this way, condescending, rude, obnoxious, absolutely no social skills, and completely negative and she has just grown accustomed to it and in her opinion how he talks to people is okay.

 family ties or not… i will not be a part of it anymore and will not subject myself to it.

Part of Me

hi all… did you miss me?

yeah well I missed me too… no that’s not a mistake. i’ve been a little down and out these days.  actually a lot down and out.  but now i am going to try to get back on track.  one thing i really noticed was that this really does help.  over the few months i’ve missed writing i’ve noticed a slight sinking in my feelings.

okay so should we start with a brief update?

no.

okay good because i really dont have one.  my quest to stop talking to d has not gone so well, in fact during my stint of not writing my talking to him slightly increased. yikes! and of course it got progressively worse as did my mood.  but now i will have to get on track and pick myself up. this will be the start again… i think i said that once before but i am going to try to keep it up. if not for anything but myself and pulling me out of my hole. the black one thats slowly been sucking me in.

over the last several weeks i have found myself crying for no reason, well not completely no reason but close to it. i can pick out some reasons:

• overwhelmed
• d
• sick

it’s like i have this black cloud hanging over my head and i feel like i cant get anything right. then comes the crying. the other day i was lunch with sis and mom and all i could to hold back tears was keep chatting and eating and eating and chatting and looking around for a distraction… i think that one was brought on by feeling completely overwhelmed (it doesn’t take much to make me overwhelmed these days) and then i saw this couple standing in front of starbucks arms wrapped around each other, looking onto each others eyes… he looked at her the way d used to look at me. it was done and of course being there in the car with mom i couldn’t just burst out – well i probably could’ve but i didn’t feel like it. i had given her enough to concern herself with besides my outburst over a lost love.

i’ve been pulled over and over again in numerous directions by friends, it’s like i’ve forgotten me and just do for them… have i become desperate for friends? when did they become the people in charge? was it because i have lost so much control on my own… is it because i cant seem to get it right no matter what?

so lets get started on this again and hope i can get me back or at least part of me… baby steps right?

What Am I Really Hungry For…

really though… what am i hungry for? sleep? love? food? friends? sex?  

last night i wasn’t able to fall asleep until about 3 in the morning…. not really so unusual for me but what is unusual is that i actually slept well after that.  so judging by what time i went to bed, i woke up at around 11.  i had a dream about a friend of d too.  quite a dream i might add.  it was a friend of his that i have never been attracted to either, in fact it was his best friend.  weird huh?  and now what is even more weird is that i think of his friend, we’ll call him m, differently.  i have had some sort of bizarre attraction to him all weekend.   i’m sure it’ll pass as i have never felt that before but all day long i’ve had some sort of need to see him.  why is this important you ask?  well it sort of plays into the rest of this post. 

okay so i get up at 11, veg for a bit, then get out of bed and decide to do something for me today. just. me.  i wanted a different vibe, a way to release a ton of stress i’ve been carrying all weekend.  stress we can discuss at a later date but essentially it was work stress that i carried home with me and unfortunately my OCD has made it so i couldn’t let it go. 

back to it…

up at 11, veg for the hour, take my daily walk, come home take a nice hot shower (if i had a bath it would have been one of those), blowdry my hair (another rarity these days), and make the decision… the decision to go to to the library.  i haven’t spent time alone at a library in years, not since school i think. but i thought perfect place for quiet me time, time for reflection, no phone, no bothers, plenty of books to choose from, and definitely not the pretentious people who stare at you judging the books you read and whether or not you are of the intellectual type, basically not the barnes and noble, lets drink coffee and pretend we are there for god only knows but want people to think we smart, have a brain, but no money to buy the books we just sit here and use them like the library, type of people.  people who select books for the people around them not for what they really care about or have interest in what they are actually reading there.  i mean have you ever looked at the people there? really looked. hmmmm…. do you ever see the people reading the books thay are holding – no – they are usually just sitting there looking around at everyone else.  scanning the joint. ahhh… i could rant about these places all day and night but i won’t, i’ll stop that ranting.  i wanted old people sitting around or students wrapped up in studies in the non college atmosphere.  and truthfully it did it.  i found a book plopped down with no one around and silently read. well read until a bit of hunger took over. 

now the library by my house is one that is quite small and is just off of a main little “square”  well we’ll call it a “square” for the sake of keeping my location slightly anonymous because it will be a location killer.  anyways the square has quite a few restaurants, one that i enjoy especially, one that m works at as well, hence why i usually avoid it, d is usually there because m works there… did i mention m is d’sbest friend?  it also has some sad memories because d and i use to frequent it, but nonetheless (j i know you hate that word) i was in serious want of the salad that i have decided is my 2nd all time favorite (l you know the first all time favorite), i also knew m doesn’t work on sundays, as i have been there with t and her hubby a few times and have yet to run into d or m on a weekend.  but now that i think back – i may have slightly hoping to see m, to put aside the dream and remind myself of m the jerk not the altered m in my dream.  or maybe i was just self manipulating.  either way i wanted it and i was going… it was a close walk and a nice change. 

i checked out my book, walked slowly across the lot, andinto the back door of “second favorite salad” place.  walked right into m at the door and d in the back booth. great. i slowly noticed the shaking of my hand as i stopped stared andthen thought… okay, now here you are alone with your sex dream freak and your aweful ex together – why couldn’t i have been with someone?  okay t suck it up and smile.

“hi guys”, i’m sure you can picture my big fake smile in your head.  “how are you m?”

“good t, how are you, what are you up to?” 

“i was at the library and decided to walk over here for lunch, thought i’d do something different and relaxing”

t couldn’t you think of somewhere more fun to be… couldn’t you think of something more entertaining, more exciting. something more like “i was out all night with a hot sexy guy and just ran in to grab some oysters so i can feed them to him in bed when he wakes up… did you know oysters are an aphrodisiac, thought i would grab some for our 100th round of hot passionate sex”

but no here i was, holding a book and walking to the bar to sit alone. so sadly d chimes in… “well i just ordered come sit here and join me, i’m alone too we might as well make a group.  besides i just ordered, m can add it so we’ll get it at the same time.”

i was quiet, but my head was screaming… what do i do?  should i sit?

sadly sit i did.  now it gets even more lame, i told m order.  i’ll have an ice-t and a southwest chicken salad.  what did m say. well he laughed and said… that’s funny you guys ordered the same thing without even knowing and continued on with about 20 other smart remarks.  well that was reminder i needed about m. lets just say that’s done.  thoughts gone. gone. gone. gone. 

but now that i sit here and think. d was alone too. ha. he was eating alone too. mind you his friend but really how bored must you really be to sit there for an hour before ordering (i know this because that’s what he said)  at ;east i had had my morning coffee, walk and book. i had at least been productive.  conversation went okay, nothing more then basic chatter.  the what have you been up to?  hows work? blah, blah, blah, and so on.  and better yet, i finished eating before d, asked for my check to be separated from d’s, m told me to make d pay, but no way, this was not to remotely considered any way shape or form a date and to have him pay puts it in that date category, besides i had a gift card, so really i wasn’t paying anyways.

i paid my  separate check, looked at d, said my byes, and walked out with the pretense that i had somewhere else to be. at least i kept my cool on that one.  and really the truth was i had nowhere to be but home relaxing on a nice lazy sunday, but he didn’t need to know that.

i felt good after, not sad, not wondering about him.  just good. so really i guess today i learned that i’mreally not hungry for his friend or his time or his whereabouts. all the things i used to be hungry to know.

 i was just plain hungry for me, to find me, to feel like me again.  well that and my salad.