In a Nutshell… No, More Like in a Large Planet with No Oxygen, But At Least I’m Lighter

dear god it’s been so long i don’t think i can just pick up where i left off, but i also can’t leave you with nothing…. hmmmmm…. sooooo much has happened.  

here’s what I’ll do.  i won’t fill you in on everything; i’ll give you the random but necessary parts so you can see why and where i am today, then we can go back to our daily, well my daily chatter.  i promise i am going to try to keep up from now on.

so until april 2009: no contact with d.  this was a vow to myself and i was sticking to it.

and then…. slam, like a fist to the gut on exactly april 1, 2009, i receive a text from m (d’s best friend) saying “w is not only d’s girlfriend but also my friend so leave her alone.”  now really i wasn’t quite sure what this meant due to the fact that i hadn’t talked to d or any of his friends in awhile, a long while, so i had no idea who w was, i couldn’t point her out in a crowd, and now that it had been so long that really…. who the @$#% cares!

now let me take a minute here to mention that i was at work during all this and had to sit through a very dull, unneeded, unnecessary and completely ridiculous work meeting.  if the day was designed for rage building, not team building – this was it.  i hit the roof!

then i leave the meeting and step outside with j, who might i mention was just as taken aback and pissed by this text as I was – i believe her words were “why won’t they leave you alone”.

i want to explain something real quick, first i’m a bad liar and second j works with me so you figure 9 hours a day with someone and you know what they are up to…. if i call him, she knows, if i don’t call him, she knows, if i text him, she knows, if i email him she knows if i…. well you get the point, she knows what i’m doing all. day. long.

now after some extreme shaking (it was like i had parkinson’s), screaming, tantrum throwing, and about 10 cigarettes, i reply to m and copy d. “why are you guys doing this to me? leave me alone! stop bothering me!” i have nothing to say to you people! (like my “you people” reference?, yeah i do too, so derogatory)

now all this info i’m giving you is very, very, very condensed…. a lot more texting happened back and forth with m, d and i.

here it gets good – she calls…. w herself has the nerve to call and apologize and let me know that the whole thing was a big misunderstanding and she just wants us all to be friends and get along, like one big happy sick and twisted group orgy.

little did she know that a few weeks before d actually broke into my house and tried to get in bed with me…. oh and then she asks if we can go out and get some drinks together . she really wants to meet me and get to know me, even if d doesn’t approve!  i wanted to shout are you stupid? why do you think he doesn’t approve?  hmmmm. maybe he has stuff to hide and maybe i don’t care about making nice with you.

do i shout that? nope.  instead i happily decline stating that i’m sure she’s very nice and under other circumstances i’m sure we’d have a very nice time.  i don’t say anything rude or obnoxious about d, (because after all I am a lady and do have some class), hang up and scream to bloody hell, the lady in me had left the building.

from that point on i have made no contact – none – and i have, in fact, the happy faces to prove it, so please go ahead and challenge it.  I dare ya.

now that doesn’t mean he hasn’t tried.  i’ve gotten numerous hang-ups at odd hours, a couple blank texts, some missed calls, oh and even some fascinating voice-mails.  how do i know these voice-mails are his you ask – well let’s just say i have a secret that i won’t reveal – but rest assured – it. is. him.

so how am i today you ask?  well i’m here, doing well, and feeling good… for the most part.  i’ve started a new chapter in my life and have removed so much of the bad, this doesn’t mean i don’t still have a lot to work on or that i don’t have rough patches. i still fight depression every day, it just means i’ve removed a 10 pound weight from my large pile of weights. but my struggle is lightened by that much more.

so on this planet i definitely am just a bit lighter….

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Family Ties Or Just Knot

 

i thought i had a bad week the week before last.  but last week made it official. it was bad. so i want to make it brief but here is the scenario

 wednesday night:

 i had to work late for a meeting and got out of the meeting at about 7:30pm, from there i head to my aunt’s house for dinner, something I wasn’t planning to do but went really to see my grandparents. i don’t see them often.  anyways, i get over there and didn’t want to eat and leave so i stayed for a bit after the rest of the family had taken off. it was me and them at this point. them being my aunt and her husband.

 it was going okay, my aunt was packing up a “to go” bag for me and we were chatting about normal goings on. then wham… it came.  ikinda knew it would because you see my uncle is always negative about everyone around him… i think it’s some form of jealousy or maybe he is aware or feels in some way like he is less then everyone or inadequate, either way it branches from his own insecurities. he is really one of those “it’s always somebody else’s fault” type people.  he always bashes my work (in fact he’s become the laughing stalk and ongoing joke at my work just from his behavior alone, ha! they all know him there from his incessant annoying phone calls), my parents, the schools in my area, the people in the neighborhood i live in, etc.

 he started in on my work first… they aren’t helping…  what do i know about this person… blah, blah, blah, etc, etc… of course, trying to keep the peace, i brushed it off at first and truthfully he is not really worth my breathe, also, it’s an ongoing thing i just don’t even feed it anymore. if i give one answer he wants another and then another and pretty much no answer will suit him.

but then it took a turn.

he asked my aunt what was wrong with her mother (my grandmother), he stated that she seemed anxious. my aunt for some bizarre led it to being about my parents and not what it really was… that my grandfather can’t be out very long much more.  it’s just too hard for him. so i simply went on to say that maybe he was ready to go and that it was common for him these days. 

she says well maybe it’s because your parents didn’t want to drive them back and forth.

he then says it’s about time they started doing that and that maybe my parents made everyone anxious. sure mister bad attitude – they make everyone anxious it has nothing to do with your attitude towards everyone.

me: still silently sitting there but starting to get extremely agitated.  i was thinking to myself just hurry and help them clean and get out. so i then tried to change the subject.  i made it about me, bringing up my anxiousness, really something that happens to be none of their business and frankly these days they aren’t the best people to share information with anyways but nonetheless i gave it a shot.

 he puts it right back to my parents… talking about my mother and how she does nothing all day and has no obligations (hmmm…. Sounds lucky to me) and that she should be doing things. so on and so on. 

at this point i had had enough so i get up and say please don’t talk to me negative about my parents… i’m not going to listen to it. he continues. i say it again, and again, and again.

she interrupts us and tells me to listen and adds some random comments of her own.

now with my anger is at the complete point of boiling over and the steam is coming from my ears i say, after having to interrupt his loud condescending tantrum, that this is why i hate coming here and i’m leaving.

i walked to the door, and turned as he yelled to me “take the food we made you and leave!”.

that was it! i tossed it on the floor said to my aunt who by the way was standing right in front of me between us, she claimed to my grandmother she didn’t hear him say that… my guess if she didn’t hear it because she didn’t want to or that she now is blind and deaf to his horrid comments. from there i headed out the door, down the stairs to my car, with my aunt (who should not have taken sides) right on my tail.

t, she yells, you need to stop yelling and listen to him. you are negative all the time.

okay now if i’m negative it’s about someone’s action and it’s nothing i wouldn’t say to them and i don’t need to listen to anyone, especially him.

 now whats really sad is that he is always this way, condescending, rude, obnoxious, absolutely no social skills, and completely negative and she has just grown accustomed to it and in her opinion how he talks to people is okay.

 family ties or not… i will not be a part of it anymore and will not subject myself to it.

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Part of Me

hi all… did you miss me?

yeah well I missed me too… no that’s not a mistake. i’ve been a little down and out these days.  actually a lot down and out.  but now i am going to try to get back on track.  one thing i really noticed was that this really does help.  over the few months i’ve missed writing i’ve noticed a slight sinking in my feelings.

okay so should we start with a brief update?

no.

okay good because i really dont have one.  my quest to stop talking to d has not gone so well, in fact during my stint of not writing my talking to him slightly increased. yikes! and of course it got progressively worse as did my mood.  but now i will have to get on track and pick myself up. this will be the start again… i think i said that once before but i am going to try to keep it up. if not for anything but myself and pulling me out of my hole. the black one thats slowly been sucking me in.

over the last several weeks i have found myself crying for no reason, well not completely no reason but close to it. i can pick out some reasons:

• overwhelmed
• d
• sick

it’s like i have this black cloud hanging over my head and i feel like i cant get anything right. then comes the crying. the other day i was lunch with sis and mom and all i could to hold back tears was keep chatting and eating and eating and chatting and looking around for a distraction… i think that one was brought on by feeling completely overwhelmed (it doesn’t take much to make me overwhelmed these days) and then i saw this couple standing in front of starbucks arms wrapped around each other, looking onto each others eyes… he looked at her the way d used to look at me. it was done and of course being there in the car with mom i couldn’t just burst out – well i probably could’ve but i didn’t feel like it. i had given her enough to concern herself with besides my outburst over a lost love.

i’ve been pulled over and over again in numerous directions by friends, it’s like i’ve forgotten me and just do for them… have i become desperate for friends? when did they become the people in charge? was it because i have lost so much control on my own… is it because i cant seem to get it right no matter what?

so lets get started on this again and hope i can get me back or at least part of me… baby steps right?

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Put Me On A Stretching Machine…

because i’m being pulled in too many directions.

okay so i know it’s been a bit of time… okay a long time.  a long, long time. i’ve kind of been in a bad place and really wasn’t into picking up the computer to type.  it felt like it was too much energy. but now after a conversation with H, a friend i have yet to mention until now, i was convinced to get back on and into the flow.  i’m definitely going to try to try to get back into my routine of writing. i’m not to sure how many of you missed me but i thank those who have sent the emails sending their thoughts and love.  

 

i’ve had a rough go this last month.  stress and life has taken it’s toll.  i’ve put in a ton of extra hours at work, one of my avoidance skills.  you know a half hour here an hour there.  i’ll start with this…

 

over the last month i’ve had 3 acquaintances/friends die, not close but some closer then others,  that hit hard and kind of scared me, especially when they came so close together. hmmm… do you think the coming in 3s thing is true?  you know they say bad things come in 3s… those really got me thinking.  you see one of the people didn’t have family out here – now thank god i do – but he had a close friend he talked to daily and if it wasn’t for worry or concern about his lack of response to her emails ors calls it could have been quite awhile until they would have found him.  this made me think “i don’t have someone like that”  i don’t have someone i talk to everyday all the time, it wouldn’t be unusual for someone not to hear from me for a few days… even to my parents.  my parents and i can go a weekend at the most but still a weekend without talking.  now you’re probably thinking “but you have a roommate”  but my roomie and i have sometimes gone a week without seeing each other.  now i try to push this thought off but it silently lingers. 

 

then i’ve watched my grandfather really go downhill.  i know he’s older and i knew it was bound to happen but it’s so hard to watch someone so close to you and who used to be so lively not even know you, back to the side when you try to kiss him goodbye because he’s not sure who is giving the kiss… the having to be hand fed, the wearing a bib at dinner (only in private of course) not at restaurants, not that he can really go to restaurants, watching food have to be cut up into miniature pieces or mashed to baby food… it hurts and really hits home.  it just really makes you wonder. how long does he have and did he understand the love and appreciation i had for him – does he remember it?   doubtfully so. i find myself wondering why it’s so hard to sit beside him, to have conversation.  how do you talk to someone who you used to be so close with and how do you talk to someone who doesn’t even know you… you fill him on your life and what’s going on but he doesn’t remember those things… then you have to watch as you walk down the street with him and the confusion he suffers while at the farmers market… i tell him i love him but i see in his eyes the question – who is this telling me this? for a long while he could fake it but now that cant even really be done.  i know i sound selfish but how selfish is it to want someone who could make problems go away by a hug or smile or even a great joke.  he could make me laugh with a silly comment or take me aside and do a puzzle with me just to get my mind transferred to something other then my anger or depression.  wow he loved puzzles… or maybe he knew i loved them but he would spend hours with me at the dining table just plugging away at those pieces.  he would tell me to take my bath and get in my ishcabibles (his word for pjs) before we could go any further and i would and then beg for a few more minutes on the puzzles,  he would smile and then give at lest another half an hour (way passed my bedtime)… that’s what grandpas do.  and all you know you know now is that your hug or smile wont make his problems go away and a puzzle well one of his and my favorites is out of the question… he cant see any longer either which makes things much harder too… at least pictures can often help with memory – or so they say.  so instead i go there and selfishly want him back to him… and selfishly have a bizarre fear of what we’ll try to talk about.  i’m sure it’s normal to feel that but it just feels unfair.

 

i have an aunt who is fighting cancer… now i’m not so close to her, as she is on my fathers side of the family and personally i find her to be a bit nuts but nonetheless she is going through this.  and my fathers mother likes to remind me with her grandmother guilt that i’m not the greatest of granddaughters… “why cant you call more, or visit more or, or, or, etc….

 

then we have the usual work problems:

 

·    horrible boss with horrible people skills, a true bitch and I don’t think I’m alone on this one, the only saving grace? She leaves in 45 days… can you tell i’m counting them

·    a wannabe senior analyst who is nosey, sharky, shifty, obnoxious, and delegates all work off yet is praised for her amazing and talented management skills and jobs well done… other people job well done

·    gossip and rumors

·    tests by management – can you handle your job tests – intentional wrenches thrown in to see if you’ll catch them

·    horrible and unqualified office assistants, don’t know excel, outlook, anything… not a joke or an exaggeration

·    bad attitudes

·    insubordinate behavior

 

sadly this last weekend i found out i was sick. key words found out i was sick. i went to the doctor for my annual physical and while there she informed that i had a sinus infection.  now that really made something click… do i really feel that crappy both mentally and physically that being sick just felt normal to me?  i guess so.  so now what do i do?  obviously what i’m doing isn’t helping.

 

of course money is always a hot topic… and a stress, you don’t really need me to embellish on this.  anyone can understand that – living in so cal, paying for gas (i drive an SUV), rent, insurance (have an accident and speeding ticket on my record), credit card bills, food, a small social life (very small), home bills, cell phone, internet dating sites (for those trying to meet someone and move on) and you know all things that adults need to do, can’t i go back to being a kid ?

 

here is brief list of some of the good things i try to do to help out:

 

·     2 mile walk every night if not every other night

·     call friends

·     rest up and devote some me time

·     plan a vacation, will that happen?  we’ll see but the funds are quite low

·     slowly try to clean out my closet

·     watch tv in the living room – not secluded in my room

·     head out one night a week with friends, but they seem to have to drag me out

 

oh and best of all  – HAVE NOT CALLED D not to say i haven’t wanted to but i haven’t done it. now in my few days home trapped in bed with “the sickness of me” i cant say i didn’t want to call and i can’t say it wasn’t quite a fight to really not call after the earthquake but i guess laying in bed with no human interaction and nothing but horrible daytime tv on, your mind wanders to all the sad things,  i really knew i needed to go back to work sick or not when i found myself thinking this exactly “how could he not call to see if i was okay after the shaker” i actually got mad about that – truly sickening… sickening.  at that point work was not even a question for the next day.  i actually fought with myself to not call him and tell him what a jerk he was… truly sick, sad behavior.  thank god i didn’t do it. could you even imagine how embarrassing that would have been??? thank god i was able to convince myself not to.  go me! way to save face on my part!  i’m dusting my shoulders off and popping my collar on that choice.  now you may also ask… “ahhhh. But have you answered when he has called?”  drumroll please……

 

 

nope!

 

so put me on a stretcher… the machine, or the sanitarium hospital type because i am definitely stretching stressing stretching myself out.

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It’ll All Come Together

will it really?  people say this to me and i want to scream.  and if it will then why hasn’t it yet?  i mean really. i am coming on almost 2 years since my breakup with d.  yup. 2 years in october. let me repeat. 2. years. so when will it come together? please tell me.  i’m waiting.

hmmm…. i sit here thinking…

what’s wrong with me that it hasn’t come together yet? i watch these couples sit together at lunch.  i see people walk by holding hands. even the couples arguing sends that small feeling of sadness to the pit of my stomach.

when will it be my turn again?  i want that touch of someone who cares.  i want to come home to a kiss. even a hug would make me happy at this point. i want to talk about my day with someone who looks at me with a real sense of caring. i want to climb into bed and know that when i turn over he’ll be there. i want the nicknames, inside jokes and laughing at the butterfly kisses.  i want someone to share a jacket with me when i’m cold. or someone to fight over what show to watch on t.v., okay maybe the t.v. show thing happens with g, but it’s not the same.

am i unapproachable?  do i send off some sort of vibe? she’s taken – don’t date her. she’s a wreck. she comes with baggage. she has an ex that calls at all hours. (which mind you i’ve gotten very good at ignoring those calls)

what is it?  do i go out with the wrong people? are my friends the wrong crowd?  am i socially inept?

is it my looks? am i that repulsive? seriously though, even ugly people date… is it that i don’t have the body of an 18 year old anymore?  

and while i’m at it. i want to not worry about how i am going to pay bills. if my paycheck can cover the car and rent. if i’ll be able to spend that little bit extra for the cute shirt / shoes / jeans / etc. that i saw in a catalog or shop window.

i want to feel good again. be normal. not have to take medication to calm anxiety that really comes from nothing. or have a friend talk me down from some sort of compulsive rant about a trivial problem at work.  i want to blow off problems and not obsess on them. i want to wake up happy and well rested.

i remember what these things are like but i can’t get myself there. i don’t want my life to be forced.  i want it to come together.

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