they say things happen for a reason and i’m trying to think that way but what if your not sure that reason is a good thing and maybe that thing is going to take you to hell…. okay maybe hell is a bit extreme but really the things that seem to happen or pop up these days trigger the bizarre.
you see as i’ve been in the process of cleaning up, clearing out and moving on, i’ve come across some things that really seem to be stumping me. my old friend s showed up recently in my life. he’s the one who got married last year and is one of my oldest and dearest friends… always kept close to my heart. i think i previously discussed him, we’ve always had that odd sexual tension but never in all our years acted on it, well we’ve had a few brief make-out sessions. anyways it had been quite awhile since i had spoken to him and here he comes, right after this fiasco with d. now i would normally consider this a good thing but then he started pulling all sorts of nonsense. we’ll call it texting after dark for the sake of keeping this blog in the pg status. i quickly – well not so quickly, put an end to that. every-time his texts turn one way i quickly turn it back the other way. but yet i’m not sure why i don’t stop the texting all-together… i know its wrong and yet there’s this remote fun and good feeling when it happens. now his new thing is to show up at my place with booze in hand and often these evenings will lead to some sort inappropriate conversation or attempt at action from him. this is a true test of my wills and i find myself wondering why i am being tested like this, and why do i continue to allow it? i will not be a home-wrecker even if he wants to wreck his home. at one point he went in for the kiss and i felt myself start to give in, you know that move closer, tightening of the arms, accelerated breathing type of giving in and then bam, i pulled away. thank god i pulled away but wow was there a spark in that small millisecond of my life. it was a huge spark, it was so huge it was more like an explosion. our chemistry is clearly combustable… i know he felt it too because i watched his face adjust and felt his body change.
continue forward to the conversation with my therapist, yes i’m back to seeing one and this is a different one…. might i add: she. is. fantastic.
so i tell her of these interactions and we go on to discuss this, now as long as i’m not acting on them and i clearly know right from wrong, i keep it to public places and eliminate the booze, the situation should be fine. the reason? well i’m boosting my confidence of course. the test? keeping to those rules… am i a bad person? no. but i need to know the limits and if i cant keep to them then i need to stop. the problem is it’s he’s like a drug – one hour with him and my confidence soars, of course so do my hormones…
