Part of Me

hi all… did you miss me?

yeah well I missed me too… no that’s not a mistake. i’ve been a little down and out these days.  actually a lot down and out.  but now i am going to try to get back on track.  one thing i really noticed was that this really does help.  over the few months i’ve missed writing i’ve noticed a slight sinking in my feelings.

okay so should we start with a brief update?

no.

okay good because i really dont have one.  my quest to stop talking to d has not gone so well, in fact during my stint of not writing my talking to him slightly increased. yikes! and of course it got progressively worse as did my mood.  but now i will have to get on track and pick myself up. this will be the start again… i think i said that once before but i am going to try to keep it up. if not for anything but myself and pulling me out of my hole. the black one thats slowly been sucking me in.

over the last several weeks i have found myself crying for no reason, well not completely no reason but close to it. i can pick out some reasons:

• overwhelmed
• d
• sick

it’s like i have this black cloud hanging over my head and i feel like i cant get anything right. then comes the crying. the other day i was lunch with sis and mom and all i could to hold back tears was keep chatting and eating and eating and chatting and looking around for a distraction… i think that one was brought on by feeling completely overwhelmed (it doesn’t take much to make me overwhelmed these days) and then i saw this couple standing in front of starbucks arms wrapped around each other, looking onto each others eyes… he looked at her the way d used to look at me. it was done and of course being there in the car with mom i couldn’t just burst out – well i probably could’ve but i didn’t feel like it. i had given her enough to concern herself with besides my outburst over a lost love.

i’ve been pulled over and over again in numerous directions by friends, it’s like i’ve forgotten me and just do for them… have i become desperate for friends? when did they become the people in charge? was it because i have lost so much control on my own… is it because i cant seem to get it right no matter what?

so lets get started on this again and hope i can get me back or at least part of me… baby steps right?