Put Me On A Stretching Machine…

because i’m being pulled in too many directions.

okay so i know it’s been a bit of time… okay a long time.  a long, long time. i’ve kind of been in a bad place and really wasn’t into picking up the computer to type.  it felt like it was too much energy. but now after a conversation with H, a friend i have yet to mention until now, i was convinced to get back on and into the flow.  i’m definitely going to try to try to get back into my routine of writing. i’m not to sure how many of you missed me but i thank those who have sent the emails sending their thoughts and love.  

 

i’ve had a rough go this last month.  stress and life has taken it’s toll.  i’ve put in a ton of extra hours at work, one of my avoidance skills.  you know a half hour here an hour there.  i’ll start with this…

 

over the last month i’ve had 3 acquaintances/friends die, not close but some closer then others,  that hit hard and kind of scared me, especially when they came so close together. hmmm… do you think the coming in 3s thing is true?  you know they say bad things come in 3s… those really got me thinking.  you see one of the people didn’t have family out here – now thank god i do – but he had a close friend he talked to daily and if it wasn’t for worry or concern about his lack of response to her emails ors calls it could have been quite awhile until they would have found him.  this made me think “i don’t have someone like that”  i don’t have someone i talk to everyday all the time, it wouldn’t be unusual for someone not to hear from me for a few days… even to my parents.  my parents and i can go a weekend at the most but still a weekend without talking.  now you’re probably thinking “but you have a roommate”  but my roomie and i have sometimes gone a week without seeing each other.  now i try to push this thought off but it silently lingers. 

 

then i’ve watched my grandfather really go downhill.  i know he’s older and i knew it was bound to happen but it’s so hard to watch someone so close to you and who used to be so lively not even know you, back to the side when you try to kiss him goodbye because he’s not sure who is giving the kiss… the having to be hand fed, the wearing a bib at dinner (only in private of course) not at restaurants, not that he can really go to restaurants, watching food have to be cut up into miniature pieces or mashed to baby food… it hurts and really hits home.  it just really makes you wonder. how long does he have and did he understand the love and appreciation i had for him – does he remember it?   doubtfully so. i find myself wondering why it’s so hard to sit beside him, to have conversation.  how do you talk to someone who you used to be so close with and how do you talk to someone who doesn’t even know you… you fill him on your life and what’s going on but he doesn’t remember those things… then you have to watch as you walk down the street with him and the confusion he suffers while at the farmers market… i tell him i love him but i see in his eyes the question - who is this telling me this? for a long while he could fake it but now that cant even really be done.  i know i sound selfish but how selfish is it to want someone who could make problems go away by a hug or smile or even a great joke.  he could make me laugh with a silly comment or take me aside and do a puzzle with me just to get my mind transferred to something other then my anger or depression.  wow he loved puzzles… or maybe he knew i loved them but he would spend hours with me at the dining table just plugging away at those pieces.  he would tell me to take my bath and get in my ishcabibles (his word for pjs) before we could go any further and i would and then beg for a few more minutes on the puzzles,  he would smile and then give at lest another half an hour (way passed my bedtime)… that’s what grandpas do.  and all you know you know now is that your hug or smile wont make his problems go away and a puzzle well one of his and my favorites is out of the question… he cant see any longer either which makes things much harder too… at least pictures can often help with memory – or so they say.  so instead i go there and selfishly want him back to him… and selfishly have a bizarre fear of what we’ll try to talk about.  i’m sure it’s normal to feel that but it just feels unfair.

 

i have an aunt who is fighting cancer… now i’m not so close to her, as she is on my fathers side of the family and personally i find her to be a bit nuts but nonetheless she is going through this.  and my fathers mother likes to remind me with her grandmother guilt that i’m not the greatest of granddaughters… “why cant you call more, or visit more or, or, or, etc….

 

then we have the usual work problems:

 

·    horrible boss with horrible people skills, a true bitch and I don’t think I’m alone on this one, the only saving grace? She leaves in 45 days… can you tell i’m counting them

·    a wannabe senior analyst who is nosey, sharky, shifty, obnoxious, and delegates all work off yet is praised for her amazing and talented management skills and jobs well done… other people job well done

·    gossip and rumors

·    tests by management – can you handle your job tests – intentional wrenches thrown in to see if you’ll catch them

·    horrible and unqualified office assistants, don’t know excel, outlook, anything… not a joke or an exaggeration

·    bad attitudes

·    insubordinate behavior

 

sadly this last weekend i found out i was sick. key words found out i was sick. i went to the doctor for my annual physical and while there she informed that i had a sinus infection.  now that really made something click… do i really feel that crappy both mentally and physically that being sick just felt normal to me?  i guess so.  so now what do i do?  obviously what i’m doing isn’t helping.

 

of course money is always a hot topic… and a stress, you don’t really need me to embellish on this.  anyone can understand that - living in so cal, paying for gas (i drive an SUV), rent, insurance (have an accident and speeding ticket on my record), credit card bills, food, a small social life (very small), home bills, cell phone, internet dating sites (for those trying to meet someone and move on) and you know all things that adults need to do, can’t i go back to being a kid ?

 

here is brief list of some of the good things i try to do to help out:

 

·     2 mile walk every night if not every other night

·     call friends

·     rest up and devote some me time

·     plan a vacation, will that happen?  we’ll see but the funds are quite low

·     slowly try to clean out my closet

·     watch tv in the living room – not secluded in my room

·     head out one night a week with friends, but they seem to have to drag me out

 

oh and best of all  – HAVE NOT CALLED D not to say i haven’t wanted to but i haven’t done it. now in my few days home trapped in bed with “the sickness of me” i cant say i didn’t want to call and i can’t say it wasn’t quite a fight to really not call after the earthquake but i guess laying in bed with no human interaction and nothing but horrible daytime tv on, your mind wanders to all the sad things,  i really knew i needed to go back to work sick or not when i found myself thinking this exactly “how could he not call to see if i was okay after the shaker” i actually got mad about that – truly sickening… sickening.  at that point work was not even a question for the next day.  i actually fought with myself to not call him and tell him what a jerk he was… truly sick, sad behavior.  thank god i didn’t do it. could you even imagine how embarrassing that would have been??? thank god i was able to convince myself not to.  go me! way to save face on my part!  i’m dusting my shoulders off and popping my collar on that choice.  now you may also ask… “ahhhh. But have you answered when he has called?”  drumroll please……

 

 

nope!

 

so put me on a stretcher… the machine, or the sanitarium hospital type because i am definitely stretching stressing stretching myself out.