Am I Crazy or Full of Crazy Talk

i had a decision to make and i thought i’d share.  i know it was the right decision but nonetheless it left me feeling weird and slightly antsy.

so tuesday was a friends (?) birthday and i was invited.  the reason that little question mark is there is because i question whether it is really one of my friends… you see he would do anything for me if i asked well that is anything that is not d related.  you see he has been friends with d for years, good friends, but the situation is this:

d used to work with “this friend” and they both worked with w… now w and i go way back and have been friends for years.  w started dating “friend” and w became close with d. d and i start dating and w and i get reacquainted because of this. the four of us become an inseparable group for awhile… well until w and friend have a very messy break-up.

you thought that was confusing now i’ll add to it.

w moves on to new relationship and d and i help friend with many, many, many, did i say many? pieces to pick up with me taking charge on most of those pieces. 

then d and i break-up and friend and i loose touch to a point because well boys will be boys and neither wanted to put in work or upset the difficult balance of friends and break-ups.

i’m sure you’re lost at this point because honestly i am…

back to the original schpeel, friend had a birthday party on tuesday night and very nicely sent me the invite via text and i, in true me fashion, went on an anxiety ridden inner debate.  and i’m sure some sort of addiction like rationalization

1. you should go
2. he came to yours
3. you guys are friends
4. a ton of your friends will be there
5. L is going with you
6. it’ll be fun
7. one drink and you’re out

and then tuesday morning happens.  email from L.

L: so… tonight’s not gonna be a good idea. i have to be here at work at 6 in the morning. so starting the night at 10 would be dumb.

T: No worries… it is late.  I am just gonna go for 1 drink.  I just feel bad, especially after g’s fiasco.

L: no, i agree… and if it was any other day it would work for me. but starting the night at 10 would mean ill be home around 12, in bed by 1, and up again at 5. and that’s just ridiculous.

T: Yup I know no worries.  I’m still gonna go but just for one drink.  Although I’m a little bit scared b/c d might be there and who knows who he’ll be with.  Maybe I wont go.  Hmmm….

L: ooOoooOoo yikes!!! d will be there… they’re good friends.

T: I know – should I not go?  What are your thoughts on that? 

 L: hmm… how do you feel??? are you up for it???

T: What if he is with a girl or brings one or whatever – don’t think I can handle that… at least not alone.  Hmmm…. Maybe I should back out cus there is no way to know who he will be with…

L:is there a girl (other than you) in the picture right now???  anyways… besides that… which i guess is a possibility, you know how he treats you when he’s around his friends. that will irritate the crap outta you too.

T: I have no idea who he’s seeing nor do I want to know… you say other than me??? I’m guessing you know or are assuming I’ve been bad.  Hahahha.  I’m kinda thinking I shouldn’t risk it. you’re right he’s a total ass when his friends are around.  I’ll tell you this though it would be funny to see his face when I show up but anything after that wouldn’t be funny. 

 L: you’re always bad its a safe assumption. well… like i said. you know what to expect; either he’ll be there with a chick or he’ll be an ass to you. if you think you can handle it, go. if not, who cares. friend’s birthday isn’t worth risking your feelings being hurt.

T: I know I am always bad…. always getting in trouble.  You are right though friends bday is not worth my feelings… especially w/out my partner in crime to get belligerent with.  We need a belligerent day soon though.    

L: regardless though… even if i was going… you’d still end up hurt. i would just be there as comfort. its still not worth it. and if you love friend that much, we can always take him for a cocktail another night. and yes hunnie, we do need a ridiculously belligerent night

(about 3 hours later)

T: Decided not to go.

L: ahh, good girl… im proud of you!!!

T: Do I get a gold star? 

L: you sure do mama!!! that kinda shit is hard to say no to. “self torture” we seem to love it. we’ve all done it. so, im proud of you. its better this way.

now this was fine until i got home and sat there with too much time on my hands. 

1. do i want to see who he’s with? 
2. he would shit when i walk in because he so wouldn’t expect it. 
3. but then i have to change into something super cute
4. he is so not worth getting super cute at the last minute for
5. but it would be nice to piss him off
6. i wonder who he would be with
7. what would he do if he was with someone
8. how nutty am i to be thinking this

and so on….

thank god j called to lighten my mental debate and put an end to the craziness.  and distract me just long enough to not go and to settle back down to my original decision.

yeah i know, i’m crazy, sick, and twisted

“this girl is nuts!”