will it really? people say this to me and i want to scream. and if it will then why hasn’t it yet? i mean really. i am coming on almost 2 years since my breakup with d. yup. 2 years in october. let me repeat. 2. years. so when will it come together? please tell me. i’m waiting.
hmmm…. i sit here thinking…
what’s wrong with me that it hasn’t come together yet? i watch these couples sit together at lunch. i see people walk by holding hands. even the couples arguing sends that small feeling of sadness to the pit of my stomach.
when will it be my turn again? i want that touch of someone who cares. i want to come home to a kiss. even a hug would make me happy at this point. i want to talk about my day with someone who looks at me with a real sense of caring. i want to climb into bed and know that when i turn over he’ll be there. i want the nicknames, inside jokes and laughing at the butterfly kisses. i want someone to share a jacket with me when i’m cold. or someone to fight over what show to watch on t.v., okay maybe the t.v. show thing happens with g, but it’s not the same.
am i unapproachable? do i send off some sort of vibe? she’s taken – don’t date her. she’s a wreck. she comes with baggage. she has an ex that calls at all hours. (which mind you i’ve gotten very good at ignoring those calls)
what is it? do i go out with the wrong people? are my friends the wrong crowd? am i socially inept?
is it my looks? am i that repulsive? seriously though, even ugly people date… is it that i don’t have the body of an 18 year old anymore?
and while i’m at it. i want to not worry about how i am going to pay bills. if my paycheck can cover the car and rent. if i’ll be able to spend that little bit extra for the cute shirt / shoes / jeans / etc. that i saw in a catalog or shop window.
i want to feel good again. be normal. not have to take medication to calm anxiety that really comes from nothing. or have a friend talk me down from some sort of compulsive rant about a trivial problem at work. i want to blow off problems and not obsess on them. i want to wake up happy and well rested.
i remember what these things are like but i can’t get myself there. i don’t want my life to be forced. i want it to come together.
You are not alone. I had to pinch myself just make sure I was reading your blog and didn’t write it. Last night I became so frustrated I threw a romance novel (it’s as close as I get to romance these days) across my room in frustration after finishing it. I have strangers come up to me tell me that I am beautiful yet I have averaged two dates a year for the last two years since my “big heart wrenching break up”.
If I hear my Mother tell me one more time that God will put me in the right place to meet the right person at the right time- I am going to have a breakdown. It’s been 33 years- how damn much longer do I need to wait God?
I believe that things happen for a reason. And while sometimes it’s a big pain in the ass to figure it out, eventually you do.
I know you’re tired of waiting. All the things you’ve mentioned above? When you think of those things, do you still picture D when you think of them?