The Black Hole of Me

and into it i get sucked again… 

i told you about d’s call the other night right?  well it happened again; he called and i knew it was him and i still answered. are you yelling “sucker” at the screen yet?  it was about 3 a.m. and he had just gotten off work, he sounded exhausted, not drunk, but i was still cautious. i never know what to expect from his calls.  he asked me if he could come up and talk to me, apparently he was already parked outside and expecting me to say yes.  am i that predictable?  do i really even need to ask that question? i politely answered him with the “it’s 3 a.m., what could you possibly need to talk to me about?” speech.  he had just heard some really upsetting news while at work, basically he needed a shoulder and i was it… why was i the shoulder?  is it because guys don’t really do the shoulder to cry on thing and the deep conversation thing with each-other and maybe he isn’t close enough with another girl and maybe it’s just me and he’s used to me and it’s easy and he knows i’ll accept him and and and and and… i could go on forever with the excuses for him but i’ll spare you and avoid me. 

i allowed him to come up but i did not allow the sex thing to happen! i repeat, i. did. not. allow. the. sex. thing.  as hard as it was and as much willpower as it took you would think i ran the LA and NY marathon. he pushed it and i remained firm. 

i said no and i am proud. 

i don’t really think he intended to come up for that reason and please don’t call me naive on that but he really did receive some horrible news and he did let it all out to me and i did hold him, he does get kinda sensitive when things upset him. i’m sure you are asking how we ended up in the the position to even have the opportunity to invite sex into the situation. well we went into the bedroom because i have a roommate, g,  and he was drunkenly passed out in my living room (a new favorite thing for him to do) so we quietly went into my room where we talked, and we remained fully clothed i might add. he had wrecked himself and put himself into exhaustion and we fell asleep in the bed with me soothing him. a few hours later i awoke to his wandering hands, i gently pushed them aside and allowed only the hugging.  he pursued and i stayed firm and he eventually fell back asleep. 

not me though, i stayed awake thinking about things, the things that had upset him, the fact that he knew i would let him come up, the fact that i was strong enough to say no, the fact that i loved and hated myself and him all at the same time, and the fact that i was heading into my own black hole again, the pit of me and the self awareness of my problem and the inability to get myself to fix it, and finally if i even want to fix it and close up that black hole.