Self Torture

so yesterday after work i went to moms, came home, chatted with “k”, and did the inevitable… called “d”.  he didn’t pick up so i left a message.  he called back later on his way home.  now it gets tricky.  you see i did the ever so stupid thing of asking him about HER, his hb fling.  big mistake. big, big mistake.  he flew into a rage, of course it was a justified rage.  really it’s none of my business what he does with her but still (sigh) i ask.  he ranted about how it was over and that i need to stop bringing it up… this i know but my obsessive complusive self cant seem to help it.  it’s like i know it ends bad but i can’t help myself, as i said self torture. i really wonder why i cant be stronger.  everyone else seems to have the strength that i just don’t have…. do i not want to have the strength?  have i not been pushed hard enough? tortured enough?  i know only i can answer these and i have an inner fight everytime.

anyways back to his rantings… he says to me that he didn’t call her, hasn’t called her, wants to forget about her but i’m making it worse by bringing her up.  then he says i was the reason he stopped talking to her.  that he didn’t want to hurt me. then the threat – if you bring her up one more time i’ll never talk to you again.  hmmm…. this might help me out.  then i dont have to stop myself.  he will have stopped it.  should i take him up on it?  test the waters?  i mean if i cant stop myself maybe he can stop me.  maybe thats been my goal the whole time – push him to do the work.  i don’t know,  i really don’t know much, except that this particular entry really makes me sound mental!

lock me up and toss the key