Will It Help…

they say it helps to write about your feelings; you know get them out in the open… will it help?  will it really help? i guess we will see.  here goes…

the question is where to start?  i guess i could start with a year and a half ago.  it was pretty simple; he left me.  yeah he did.  for reasons i don’t really understand. we had been together for nearly 7 years. then one day all it took was a text message and a small fight and out the door he went. seems almost pre-planned.  so i’ll share the brief (maybe not) version:

“d” as we will refer to him as, is a bartender at my local bar. we met and he pursued – feelings i did not share in the beginning but slowly he won me over.  we fell in love. believe me when i say it too.  he treated me like no other and i him.  in truth i’d say sadly we are soul-mates. he made me feel good about myself; he made me smile.  he was warm, caring and completely selfless.  truly he was the best – my friends were envious of our relationship. it really was perfect. does it sound like i’m still in love with him?  sure it does and that would be because stupidly i am. ”d” was the man i was going to marry. he of course doesn’t feel this way anymore.  i suppose it wasn’t really perfect. how does someone walk out the door on perfect? how does someone not tell you something is wrong until the day they are walking out the door? so why do i continue to torture myself? i guess that’s why i am writing this out.  maybe it will work like a list and eventually i’ll look back over and wonder… hmmm… is this really good for me? was it really what i wanted.

i remember the morning he left so clearly.  he promised to leave me cash on the kitchen counter, he forgot.  i went through his pocket to grab his wallet – something i had done over 400 times in our relationship.  dumped out the pockets and out fell his cellphone with a new text message from _______. yeah i checked it, something else i had done over 400 times. she had a great time last night! WHAT! well then it hit… I went into the room woke him up and then the rest was a ton of yelling, then tears, booze, and friends trying to pick up the pieces.  he moved out after professing his love and wanting to work it out… something i agreed to try to do and stupidly believing he meant it.  well then it just ended and my sad, crazy, self loathing life began.

that is what this blog will be; my tried and true diary… the story of the sad, pathetic and crazy things girls… sorry ahem… women do after a horrific break-up.

• checking voice-mails
• emails
• text messages
• driving by
• randomly being in the area

and of course the normal things.

• drinking, anti depressants, sleeping pills (okay these should be on the list above)
• counting on friends
• trying to date – the normal and abnormal
• never-ending phone calls
• therapy
• blogging

anyways this is my saturday night – before valentines and after the holidays, that was when he met her, “hb”, the new one, the nice one, and the one he told me about only to screw me over for.  literally screwed me for, did i mention we were still sleeping together, probably not, i subconsciously kept that out i think.  yeah well, we are and i’m stupid… of course i believed him when he said he wasn’t sleeping her, or maybe i just wanted to believe him. anyways since then he broke it off with her or so he says. he’s a liar and i’m a dumbass. 

did i mention we are doing dinner on monday.  i’m sick i know.